England vs USA - Live!

Ah, international friendlies. I'm not altogether certain what the point of this evening's match actually is. A week after Manchester United and Chelsea slugged out their Battle Royale in Moscow, England have to drag their sorry backsides out onto the (doubtlessly sodden) pitch at Wembley for a match against the USA. Of course, when the USA have beaten England before, it has been treated as a national disgrace. In 1950, Joe Gaetjens' goal was enough to give the Americans a 1-0 win at Belo Horizonte in the World Cup. Skip forward forty-three years, and the haplessness of Graham Taylor's time in charge was emphasised by a 2-0 defeat in Boston. Other than those two matches, England's record against the Americans is pretty decent. Gary Lineker and Kerry Dixon (!) scored two each in a 5-0 England win in Los Angeles in 1985, and a young Alan Shearer scored both of England's goals in a 2-0 win for them at Wembley in September 1994. The last time that the two sides met was on this day three years ago, when England won 2-1 in Chicago, thanks to two debut goals from Kieran Richardson (!!!). We live, I like to think, in an age in which the USA team is no more taken for granted. We could score cheap laughs at their atrocious past kit decisions, but I don't think that there is much between the two teams tonight. England are ranked 11 in the current FIFA World Rankings (on the generous side, one suspects), while the USA are ranked at twenty-one (a little mean, in my humble opinion). This will be a very stiff test for Fabio Cappello, and I suspect that the added enticement of winning at Wembley might be enough to sneak it for the visitors. Here are the teams - we'll be back shortly for some socccccah.

England: James, Brown, Ferdinand, Terry, Ashley Cole, Beckham, Hargreaves, Lampard, Gerrard, Defoe, Rooney.

USA: Howard, Califf, Cherundolo, Pearce, Bocanegra, Dempsey, Bradley, Clark, Beasley, Johnson, Wolff.

20.00: They're kicking off at five past tonight, to accommodate a BBC1 programme called "Fire Detectives", which was all about the dangers of illegally purchased fireworks, and opened with a car that had seen a Roman candle let of inside it. Made quite a mess, it did. David Beckham is presented with something that is either a very old, leather cap or half a pumpkin (it's difficult to say, since it's in a glass case).

20.05: Dear me. A very half-hearted St George's flag behind the goal. England's supporters seem to be on holiday tonight, even if the players aren't allowed to be. England are in white tonight, and the USA are in navy blue. The referee is wearing a shirt so bright that even Petr Cech would probably baulk at wearing it.

20.08: Kick off is three minutes late. Mark Lawrenson has already managed to fit in a Norman Collier gag, when referring to the Wembley PA system. Down with the kids is our Mark. Anyone under the age of 40 will probably have to Google "Norman Collier".

20.11: Kudos, by the way, to the USA's Landon Donovan, who has become the youngest ever player to reach 100 caps tonight. The USA have friendlies after this against Spain and Argentina - warming up with the easy one, then.

20.15: A shaky start from England. The old schoolmasters' favourite, "Stop bunching!", springs immediately to mind, and they've given away a couple of needless free kicks in the centre of the pitch.

20.20: "He can't cross from there", chortles Lawrenson as Beckham crosses a perfect ball for Gerrard to tap in, but the referee's not happy with the haste with which the free kick was taken. He shoots second time around, but it skids across the face of goal and wide.

20.33: We lost you for a moment, there. Blogger gremlins, I think. England had their best chance in the middle of all that. Beckham dragged a free kick back from the touchline, and Steven Gerrard's shot was blocked by an American defender.

20.36: I think that Frank Lampard may have just had his first touch of the ball.

20.40: England, by the way, have got about 16 players on the bench tonight, so don't be surprised to see a completely different team playing in the second half.

20.42: Good chance for England - Gerrard gets away down the left and crosses in low, but Defoe (under a little pressure) shoots wide when he should really have scored.

20.46: GOAL - England 1-0 USA - Very good free kick from David Beckham, and John Terry heads into the bottom corner from twelve yards out.

20.50: England are starting to get a little bit more space now, and are creating more chances. Defoe looks lively (if unreliable) up front for England, and Rooney (who is supposed, one presumes, to be partnering him) is running all over the place. The USA do look a little stretched now, though. Yellow card for Cherundolo for a foul on Defoe.

Half-Time - England 1-0 USA: Nothing to write home about, but a solid 45 minutes from England, and they more or less deserve the lead. Very difficult to read too much into it, because most of the players look absolutely worn out. The Americans look organised and committed, but limited. Ricardo Clark has been feisty in midfield, but they'll have to do quite a lot more than they are now just to get a shot on target tonight.

Second Half - One change for England - Bentley on for Beckham - presumably for a bit of pace. More or less straight from the kick off, Eddie Johnson shoots just wide for the USA. Two changes for the USA, by the way - Brad Guzan on for Tim Howard in goal, and Frankie Hejduk for Steve Cherundolo.

21.16: Ball through for Defoe, but his shot is straight at Guzan. I just have this sneaking suspicion that John Motson and Mark Lawrenson are going to end the night having a fight or in bed together. You can hear them crackling with sexual tension.

21.18: Defoe wriggles free of his marker and his shot is well saved by Guzan, who has had a bright start. At the other end, Johnson's shot for the USA is deflected well wide.

21.22: Further changes for England - Lampard and Brown off, Gary Barry and Phil Johnson on.

21.24: GOAL - England 2-0 USA: Gary Barry plays Steven Gerrard through with more or less his first pass of the ball, and Gerrard rolls the ball past the goalkeeper. Should really be enough to wrap the game up, given that the American performance has been pretty insipid.

21.32: More changes, perhaps unsurprisingly, for the USA. Freddie Adu (who was going to be the greatest footballer in the history of the game, once - must have taken up smoking or something) is on for the USA, and Peter Crouch, who I doubt that anyone has ever thought was going to be the greatest anything in the world (with the possibility of a clothes line) is on for England.

21.35: The match is almost down to a walking pace now, but England are still managing to create a few half chances. The crowd at Wembley tonight is 71,273, which is pretty impressive, considering everything.

21.40: Christ. The crowd are doing a Mexican wave. Fifteen minutes still to play, by the way. Ah, well - at least England won't be stinking out the European Championships. Yellow card for Rooney. He might be trying to get himself sent off in order to avoid the trip to Trinidad & Tobago.

21.46: Half a chance for the USA. A cross from Lewis on the right is pawed away by David James. The first things that he has really had to do all night.

21.51: The BBC just showed a shot of George Cohen (from the 1966 World Cup winning team), and he looks exactly like Nat Lofthouse did just before he died. Mark Lawrenson made a comment that may or may not have been loaded with anti-semitism about Cohen being a very generous host in his executive box at Craven Cottage. The ground's almost empty, by the way. Man, I hate it when people leave before the full time whistle.

21.55: Much Adu about something. Freddie shoots from the edge of the penalty area, and James has to stretch to save.

22.00: Full Time - The match peters out to a dribble, and it winds up 2-0 to England. I'm really surprised at the USA. I know that it's the end of the season, but I would have anticipated a little more fight from them. We didn't really learn much about England or, I suspect, the USA this evening. Time enough, for a little break to recharge the batteries before the start of the forthcoming European Championships.

The Champions League Final - Live!

Well, this is it. This is IMPORTANT. Everyone must pick a side. Blue or red. You must choose. It's the biggest match in world football since 1966. In about four and half hours time, we will know who is the biggest football club in the world. Over fifty years after the European Cup started as the impertinent challenge by a handful of continental clubs to the proud boast of Wolverhampton Wanderers to being the best club in the world, we have finally reached the conclusion of what has been a fifty-two year long quest to establish once and for all who is the biggest and best of all, and by about 10.30 tonight at the absolute latest, we will know for sure.

Actually, I'm starting to wonder who and where all these people that care so desperately actually are. They don't appear to be the supporters of either club, since tickets sales appear to have been sluggish. I know enough football supporters to be able to say with a degree of confidence that any club worth its salt would be able to shift 21,000 tickets for a match of major importance anywhere in the world. Even if they have, eventually, sold out, how come Manchester United, a club with an average home attendance of 76,000, had any difficulties whatsoever shifting its allocation, even if the match is being played in Moscow. They aren't the neutrals, who have been going about their ordinary business and might be slightly diverted this evening, though now more than when, say, England play in the World Cup finals.

The people that care the most about this are the media. England's failure to qualify for the final of the European Championships will be costing the British media millions of pounds this summer, and this match is a chance to recoup some of this money. For the last couple of weeks, they have been telling us in no uncertain terms that this is the most important match in the history of English football, and they have an agenda for doing so. Now that England aren't in it, Euro 2008 is about as important to them as the Johnstone's Paint Trophy. Never mind that tonight's match could only conceivably have any relevance to Manchester United and Chelsea supporters (and, pushing it as far as it could go, Liverpool, Arsenal, West Ham United and Manchester City supporters). This is THE BIG ONE and YOU MUST CARE. Except, of course, we don't, much. I mean, I'm looking forward to it. I always look forward to the European Cup final. I wouldn't be much of a football supporter if I didn't, would I?

19.25: Right, we're back back back! I've assembled a crack team of pundits, got a glass of delicious, cold, gin & tonic and got the teams to hand:

Manchester United: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Rooney, Tevez. Subs: Kuszczak, Anderson, Giggs, Nani, O'Shea, Fletcher, Silvestre.

Chelsea: Cech, Essien, Terry, Carvalho, A Cole, Makelele, Ballack, Lampard, Malouda, J Cole, Drogba. Subs: Cudicini, Shevchenko, Mikel, Kalou, Alex, Belletti, Anelka.

Here's some music, to get you in the mood - "Blue Is The Colour" and "United Calypso".

19.40: Here come the teams. Chelsea have eschewed their traditional white socks in favour of all blue, and United are wearing white socks. Petr Cech (who is reportedly of the opinion that if you dress brightly enough, strikers instinctively shoot straight at you) looks like he may have stopped off at Chernobyl on the way here this evening. Meanwhile, UEFA have released a large number of red and gold balloons. These colours just happen to be the corporate colours of Mastercard. What a coincidence!

19.45: "May the best team win", says ITV's Clive Tyldesley, as the teams kick off. Bollocks, Clive. Everyone knows that you support Manchester United.

19.50: Five minutes in and not a lot has happened, apart from the watching audience having been told about 11 times how important this all is. The pitch, by the way, looks in shocking condition. It looks like a patchwork quilt and was heavily watered yesterday, prior to torrential rain in Moscow this afternoon.

19.55: It's still pretty average stuff at the moment. A lot of passes going astray from both teams - possibly on account of the pitch, possibly because English teams seem to be genetically pre-disposed to play at 100 miles per hour.

20.00: First shot of Roman Abramovich of the evening. I don't want to sound rude or anything, but doesn't he look a bit, well, simple to you?

20.05: No word yet from ITV on the fact that we have been playing for 20 minutes without either team having managed a shot on goal yet. United are the better of the two teams at the moment, by the way, but that's not saying a great deal. First yellow card of the evening to Paul Scholes. Quite a nasty cut to the face, too, by the looks of it.

20.11: GOAL! Chelsea 0-1 Manchester United - Terrible, woeful marking from Chelsea. A cross from the right and Cristiano Ronaldo, who is about half a mile away from his marker, Michael Essien, heads into the corner of the net. Petr Cech, presumably assuming that Ronaldo has no choice but to head the ball straight at him, doesn't bother diving for it.

20.15: Essien is being pulled all over the place by Ronaldo now. When did Cristiano Ronaldo become any good in the air? Didier Drogba's down injured now. The poor love.

20.20: Great chance for Chelsea - Drogba heads back across goal from a good deep cross by Lampard and Ferdinand, under pressure from Ballack, forces a good save from Van Der Saar. The ball goes straight up the other end, and Cech pulls off an outstanding double save from Carlos Tevez and Michael Carrick. It's starting to warm up now.

20.25: Pause for thought - there are ten English players out on the pitch tonight. This is more than I would have expected.

20.29: Rooney crosses low from the left and Tevez puts the ball well wide - he didn't really make much contact with the ball at all. A real chance to kill the game off there. The ball is straight up the other end, and Chelsea get a free kick on the edge of the penalty area. Rio Ferdinand picks up a yellow card. Ballack's shot sails a foot or two over.

20.30: GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Manchester United - Two deflections and - all importantly - a horrendous slip from Edwin Van Der Saar, and Frank Lampard can't believe his luck, putting the ball into an empty net to level things up for Chelsea.

20.33: Half Time - Chelsea 1-1 Manchester United: I still suspect that United will win this. Defensively, the placing of Cristiano Ronaldo is pulling Michael Essien all over the place, and the gaps that he is creating are making plenty of space for Carlos Tevez. United had the chances to kill the game stone dead, but Chelsea had a bit of luck for the equalizer having not played particularly well. 1-1 is harsh on United, but there is all to play for. Back in fifteen.

20.49: The second half has started, and I made the mistake of not switching the sound off at half time. Perhaps surprisingly, ITV didn't tell me anything that I couldn't have been told by an orang utan with an eye patch and an Etch-a-Sketch. Alex Ferguson chases the referee out onto the pitch, complaining about, well, something.

20.55: Joe Cole is exceptionally angry at not having been a corner and runs twenty yards to tell the referee exactly why he's so wrong. Lucky to escape a card, there.

21.00: Good chance for Michael Essien on the break, there, demonstrating the danger that he can cause if he breaks forward but, in loads of space on the edge of the penalty area, he shoots well over when he should really have done better. Midnight ticks over in Moscow.

21.05: Fifteen minutes into the second half, and Chelsea have been the better team since the break. The constant criticism of Avram Grant is something that I find somewhat baffling. I don't know what he said at half-time, but it has made a hell of a difference.

21.10: It's still all Chelsea. It looks as if they're playing a bolder formation in the second half, with Essien pushing forward more, and creating more space in attacking positions. On balance, Chelsea deserve the lead at the moment, which probably means that United will score next.

21.15: The players are starting to suffer, as the end of the season kicks in. Makelele and Ferdinand both needed treatment, there, but they both seem to be okay now.

21.20: Into the last fifteen minutes, and... was that a penalty? Drogba's header down looks like it might put Malouda in but the ball bounces wide as Malouda goes down under a challenge from Ferdinand. Nothing given, but I've seen them given for less.

21.22: Best chance of the second half for Chelsea - Didier Drogba curls a shot in from the edge of the penalty area and hits the outside of the post. There's quite a lot of petulance and borderline simulation going on at the moment, too.

21.25: Seventeen shots on goal to Chelsea and eight to Manchester United at the moment, and United have done not much more than nothing in the second half. As things stand, it's Chelsea's to lose.

21.30: Less than five minutes to play, and Drogba shoots just wide for Chelsea. Ryan Giggs comes on as a substitute for his 9362th appearance, overtaking Bobby Charlton as their record appearance holder.

21.35: We are headed, surprise ending notwithstanding, for extra time. Manchester United haven't been in this second half, but they're still hanging on at 1-1. Two minutes of added time at the end of the match.

FULL TIME: Chelsea 1-1 Manchester United - A slightly disappointing second half, I have to say, after the excitement of the first half. United were second best in that half, but they're still in it and the substitution of Scholes for Giggs might have made their midfield a little better balanced. I'm predicting Manchester United to win, but only because, well, that's what United do, isn't it?

21.42: No changes for the start of extra-time. Half a chance for United a minute into extra time, with Rooney just seeming to over-hit a poke through for Tevez and Cech collects. Substitute for Chelsea - Malouda off for Kalou.

21.44: For the second time, the ball is back off the United woodwork. Lampard shoots languidly from the edge of the area, Van Der Saar is again static and the ball comes back off the bar. Trust me - United are going to win this.

21.50: A good surging run from Essien (who has been the best player on the pitch since half-time), but the ball is nicked off his toe at the last. Nicolas Anelka is on for Joe Cole, for Chelsea.

21.51: Best chance since the second goal - Evra runs through and pulls the ball back for Ryan Giggs, but his shot is miraculously headed off the line by John Terry.

21.55: Almost half-time now. and the cracks are beginning to show. Both teams are starting to give the ball away rather a lot, and one suspects that either a moment of genius or a defensive disaster will win (or lose) the match.

22.00: Half Time In Extra Time - Chelsea 1-1 Manchester United. Not a lot more to say, as they're going straight back out. I still think that United are more likely to score than Chelsea, but hasn't that been the case all season?

22.05: Apart from possibly - just possibly - going bald, Ryan Giggs doesn't look much different to how he did when he was eighteen or so. The commentators are all queuing up to praise him for his loyalty too, by the way. I'd suggest that it's easier to be "loyal" when your team is in the Champions League every year and winning the Premier League every other year. Yellow card for Vidic for a foul on Anelka.

22.10: Six minutes to go until penalties, and it all goes off. Carvalho shoves Tevez and/or vice versa and suddenly everyone is involved. A red card for Drogba, and a yellow card for Ferdinand and Tevez. Stupid, petulant behaviour, and he might have cost them very dear here. Two minutes later, and they're having difficulties getting him off the pitch.

22.12: Yellow card for Essien now, and every time the players go anywhere near each other, they're taking kicks at each other.

22.15: Another two minutes of stoppage time in the second period of extra time, thanks in no small part to the brief slapping competition that took place. Looks like penalties from here now, though.

22.19: Penalties, then. Unlucky, Chelsea, I rather think. They hit the post and the bar and bossed the second half and extra-time until the cramp started to kick in, and Drogba's sending off might prove to be very expensive. Back soon for penalties.

Penalties: Right then, five penalties each. The pressure's on. Manchester United to go first.

Tevez scores - Cech sent the wrong way. 1-0.
Ballack scores - Close but no cigar, for Van Der Saar. 1-1.
Carrick scores - 2-1. I'm pretty certain that Clive Tyldesley has an erection.
Belletti scores - Van Der Saar the wrong way. 2-2.
Ronaldo MISSES - Take that, you bloody little cheat. He stopped his run up completely half way through, and Cech saves the penalty comfortably. 2-2.
Lampard scores - But only just. Van Der Saar gets one hand on the ball. 2-3.
Hargreaves scores - A perfect penalty into the top corner. 3-3.
Ashley Cole scores - Nani must score now. 3-4.
Nani scores - Cech gets a hand on the ball. Terry now to win it. 4-4.
Terry MISSES - Slips and the shot hits the outside of the post. Still 4-4, then.
Anderson Scores - Straight down the middle. 5-4.
Kalou scores - Van Der Saar sent the wrong way. 5-5. Giggs next.
Giggs scores - Easy. 6-5.
Anelka MISSES - Saved by Van Der Saar - 6-5 Final.

And Manchester United are the European champions for the first time since 1999. Scarcely deserved, I would say. Chelsea were the better team over the 120 minutes, and it is worth pointing out that, for the criticism that he has endured and all the rumours of discord within the club, Avram Grant has achieved something spectacular in taking Chelsea to being in contention for the Premier League title and to within literally one kick of becoming the European champions. If Grant gets the sack this summer, then we'll have seen the acid test for whether Chelsea Football Club is sick or not. Manchester United, however, are deserved winners - although they are the best of a bunch that perhaps isn't quite as strong as it has been in recent years. Whether they'll have it as easy again next year is very much open to question. Still, next on the menu are the Football League play-offs and the European Championships. IT WILL NEVER BE FINALLY DECIDED WHO HAS WON THE FOOTBALL.

Milan vs Arsenal

Well, good evening, everyone. Here's something strange. I switched on the television at 7.30, and (lo and behold) ITV1 is showing Manchester United vs Lyon - a match which is surely a nailed-on home win. Fortunately, the considerably more interesting match between Milan and Arsenal is on ITV4, so we're not limited to watching Rooney and Tevez (or whoever) smashing in a hat-trick each against the hapless French champions, and can instead settle down and, hopefully, learn a little more about whether Arsenal are genuine contenders to be the champions of Europe or not. To be fair to them (and this may be the only time that I manage that all evening), they've got their work cut out against the current world and European champions. Milan may be faltering somewhat in the league at the moment (they dropped points at the weekend, allowing Fiorentina to open up a bit of a gap in fourth place, and meaning that Milan may have to win this competition in order to qualify for it next season), but they're packed with experience and, you could argue, save themselves like this. The teams line up as follows:

Milan - Kalac, Maldini, Kaladze, Nesta, Oddo, Ambrosini, Pirlo, Gattuso, Pato, Kaka, Inzaghi.

Arsenal - Almunia, Clichy, Senderos, Gallas, Sagna, Diaby, Fabregas, Eboue, Hleb, Adebayor.

There are also three other Champions League matches, as well as a full schedule of matches in the Championship and the Conference. We'll see how well I get on at keeping you updated on all of that as well. Back in a few minutes!

7.45: And they're off! They don't mess about in the Champions League. Milan in red and black, and Arsenal are wearing white and burgundy.

7.51: GOAL! Not in this match, though. Barcelona have scored in the first couple of minutes against Celtic. So that's their lot then. Arsenal haven't won any of their last four matches and Milan are in pretty poor form as well. Pato gets down the left hand side and his shot is deflected wide.

7.53: Arsenal are on the rack already. In a piece defending reminiscent of "Rourke's Drift", Almunia and Fabregas scramble a header away.

7.58: Breaking from nowhere, Diaby shoots just wide when, to be honest, he should have scored. Arsenal have settled down a bit, now. Meanwhile, Sevilla are two up on Fenerbahce and Bristol City are a goal down at Charlton (not in the Champions League, as you might have guessed).

8.04: The God-bothering Brazilian, Kaka, carries the ball forty yards, and the crosses for Pato, who can't get the ball under control and shoots straight at Almunia. A few seconds later, a last minute tackle from Diaby shepherds the ball away for a corner.

8.10: Fun European football fact - Liverpool, Manchester United and Aston Villa are the only English clubs to have won all of the domestic English cup competitions plus the European Cup. Fenerbahce have pulled one back in Seville and Partick Thistle have taken the lead against Livingston. Good old Partick.

8.15: Arsenal are continuing to push forward, and have forced one decent save out of Kalac, but Milan look well-organised defensively and exceptionally dangerous on the break. Otherwise (and I think I've done well to not mention this already), I'm wondering somewhat what all the fuss is about. Hleb is booked for taking a dive on the edge of the Milan penalty area.

8.19: Fabregas hits the crossbar from the edge of the penalty area, It's all Arsenal now, and it looks like only a matter of time before they score.

8.25: Somebody must have put something in the tea at Kidderminster, where the home team are 4-0 up in their Conference match against Stafford Rangers. Arsenal, you'll be unsurprised to hear, are trying to pass the ball into the net in the San Siro. I think that I may have spotted the fatal flaw in Arsene's plan, there.

8.30: Arsenal have shaded the first half, but I think that would be foolish to expect them to win from here. I don't watch Arsenal live that much, and I can see why people get so damn infuriated with them when they're not winning, because they look so dangerous until they're twenty yards from goal, and Kaka and Pato are plenty capable of turning it on at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, Manchester United have scored against Lyon and Sevilla are 3-1 up on Fenerbahce. Half-time, and it's goalless - back in fifteen minutes.

8.48: The second half starts here. Elsewhere, Brighton have come from a goal down to lead Gillingham 3-1 at the Withdean. Their push for the League One play-offs starts here. No changes for either wide at half-time, by the way (and by that I mean Milan and Arsenal, not Brighton and Gillingham).

8.52: Eboue misses a sitter after an atrocious pass across the edge of the penalty area by Pirlo lets him in. Meanwhile, this gem from the BBC Videprinter: SENT OFF: Barnet, Puncheon, Violent Conduct (34).

9.00: Boring, boring Arsenal. They're going to bloody nick this, aren't they? 1-0, probably. And then everyone will go on about "what a great thing it is for English football", and so on. Which it isn't. There aren't any English players in the Arsenal team, and there's only one on the bench. Wenger isn't so stupid that he'd pick English players.

9.05: At the risk of stating the obvious, Kaka is amazing, isn't he? He just burst down the left hand side at the speed of a greyhound on steroids, before pulling his shot badly wide. Clive Tyldesley's Arsenal-fellating is starting to grate, somewhat. I'd stick the Radio 5 commentary on, but I don't think it would be any better. Bristol City have equalized at Charlton, and Oxford United are losing 2-1 at home to Cambridge United in the Definitely Not Varsity Match in the Conference (only fools and journalists call the football match a Varsity Match, because both clubs have more or less nothing to do with their cities' respective universities).

9.10: Eboue runs across Maldini and goes down with the ball running out of play. Beglin and Tyldesley splutter indignantly, but it would have been an absolute scandal had a penalty have been awarded for that. Achtung! Achtung! Theo Walcott's coming on for Arsenal! Sometimes, I get the feeling that Wenger only plays Walcott because he feels duty-bound to try and get £10m worth of value out of him.

9.13: Two substitutions - Pirlo is replaced by Gilardino for Milan, and Eboue is the man to go off for Walcott. Paolo Maldini won his first Serie A championship in 1988, a year before Walcott was born. He's retiring at the end of the season, but I reckon that he could still do a job for Brighton next season, even though he'll be 40 by then.

9.17: Five seconds of panic in the Milan six yard box, which results in Walcott miscuing a shot at Kalac. If he'd been on the pitch five minutes longer, he'd have scored that.

9.21: The Duck (for that, of course, is Alexandre Pato's nickname) nearly nicks it for Milan. He cuts in from the right and his shot is deflected wide. He looks appropriately outraged when the referee gives a goal kick. Kaka then gets booked for seeing how high he can bounce the ball off the turf after a throw in doesn't go their way.

9.25: Is the pitch at the San Siro completely surrounded by artificial turf? If so, why is this?

9.26: GOAL - Milan 0-1 Arsenal: Oh, cock and balls. Fabregas shoots from thirty yards and the ball almost dribbles into the bottom corner. I'm blaming Kalac for that. There'll be no coming back from this, surely.

9.29: Let's focus on the good news. Firstly, this has been a pretty poor game, and at least we'll be spared extra-time. Secondly, this has been a poor, poor Milan performance (the rise to pre-eminence of English clubs in Europe has coincided with a fall off in the quality of many club sides in Europe). Thirdly, Arsenal haven't won anything this season yet.

9.33: GOAL: Milan 0-2 Arsenal: Adebayor taps in from five yards out, and the ITV commentators are talking, frankly, embarrassing bollocks. Beglin is talking about them having given Milan a "master-class" in the first half, whilst Tyldseley is talking about this being "one of the great performances" and "a historic win". Bullshit, has it been. They have been the better team against a Milan side that hasn't really turned up, but they've scored two late goals, the first of which the goalkeeper should have saved and the second of which came about because Milan were pushing forward. It was a decent enough performance, but if this Arsenal team is the best team in Europe, then European football is in a terminal decline.

England vs Switzerland

Well, Heidi hi everyone! If you think that's a bad opening, well, things are going to get much worse for all of you before they get any better. I've spent much of the afternoon mentally composing tabloid headlines for tomorrow's papers. On the positive side, there's "Swiss Rolled" and "Berne Baby Berne", whilst on the negative side, I managed "Gouda God" (Gouda's a Swiss cheese, isn't it?), "Cuckoo Crocks" and "Joe Cole Whipped By Young Boys". Anyway, it's Fabio Cappello's first match in charge of England tonight, and he's ringing the changes already. The England team lines up as follows: James, Brown, Ferdinand, Upson, A.Cole, Bentley, Jenas, Gerrard, Barry, J.Cole, Rooney. Gerrard is the captain, Jenas starts on the Voodoo Left-hand Side and David Bentley, apparently, is the new David Beckham. The Swiss line up as follows: Benaglio, Lichtsteiner, Senderos, Eggiman, Spycher, Inler, Gelson, Barnetta, Yakin, Gygax, Nkufo.

I have to say, before I depart briefly, that I have been nothing but impressed by Cappello so far. There are plenty of things within the England set up that he can do nothing whatsoever about - the poor training that young players receive, the lack of investment that big clubs put into youth development and so on, but his attitude over the last couple of days - banning the majority of the circus that follows the team about, impressing upon everybody straight away that things will be done his way and that if you don't like it, you can lump it. There even seems to be what could almost pass for a degree of humble pie amongst the depressingly familiar line-up of Ian Wright, Alan "Newcastle United's Next Manager" Shearer and Alan Hansen in the "Match Of The Day" studio. Cappello seems to have a presence that seems to unnerve the assorted pundits, and his hand is strengthened all the more for this. He's somewhat fortunate in that he's kicking off his time in charge against a very mediocre Switzerland side (who are probably second only to their co-hosts Austria as "The Worst European Hosts Ever Of A Major Tournament"), but it does make for an interesting evening. I'll be back, of course, in time for kick-off.

8.00: Off we go, then. England in their new, 1982-esque red strip, and Switzerland in white. The Swiss national anthem sounds a bit like the backing music to an insurance advert, but it's still five times better than "God Save The Queen". The minute's silence lasted about 30 seconds, by the way. Everyone at Wembley should feel very proud. Also, Wembley seems to have a new pitch, presumably in advance of the rush of cup finals and play-off matches that are due to be played upon it.

8.08: Not much to report - two potentially uncomfortable touches for the 57 year-old David James, and approximately eighteen of the players on the pitch within a couple of yards of the centre circle. England look sloppy and nervous - Gerrard is caught on the edge of his own penalty area and James saves comfortably. Cappello has a "Christ, what have I let myself in for here?", look on his face.

8.12: First chance for England. Cole puts Rooney in from the Swiss goalkeeper blocks his shot. He should, probably, have scored, the big pudding. The band (a long-time bane of my life, as some of you will know) strikes up "The Self-Preservation Society", from "The Italian Job". Is this sophisticated irony or are they taking the piss out of Cappello?

8.17: The Ghost Of David Beckham looms large over Wembley tonight. John Motson has already mentioned him about fifteen times, as if no-one has told him that he's not even playing.

8.21: Rooney hits the side netting for England. If you're watching this on digital TV in the UK, by the way, you can, via the "red button", access live coverage of Northern Ireland vs Bulgaria. Wes Brown gives the ball away (presumably for comic effect), but Barnetta pulls his shot wide.

8.25: Now, I'm no great tactician, but... Rooney looks horribly isolated up front and they are giving away possession far too easily. Also, the defence looks very leaden-footed - the Swiss look much more dangerous than England do going forward.

8.30: Best chance of the match so far from Switzerland. Senderos flicks the ball on but it passes wide of the post from Eggiman's glanced header. A minute or so later, Barnetta wastes a free-kick by blasting it over. They're growing in confidence, and look not far short of as much better than England than Croatia did at the end of last year.

8.35: The crowd is grunting, "There's only one David Beckham", a couple of moments after David Bentley sends over a disappointing free-kick. They should shut the hell up. Morons.

8.39: Oh irony of ironies. The crowd have started booing, and Joe Cole forces a good save from the Swiss goalkeeper - their second half-way serious chance of the match. Seconds later, a massive stroke of luck allows Gerrard to put Joe Cole through, but his shot is blocked.

8.41: GOAL - England 1-0 Switzerland: Gerrard plays Joe Cole through on the left hand side. Cole puts the moves on the Swiss defence and drags the ball to turn the ball in from six yards. They have been playing a lot better in the last five minutes or so - as if they're finally starting to settle into the pattern that they're being asked to play in.

8.47: Half-Time - England 1-0 Switzerland: Cappello doesn't look happy, and it's understandable. The faults with their first half performance have been almost completely down to two things. 1. Individual errors - at lot of the time, they're just passing the ball straight to the Swiss players. 2. They don't seem to know where each other are half of the time. I would qualify this all by saying that they did look much better in the last five or ten minutes of the half or so. Back in fifteen minutes.

9.04: Three changes for the Swiss at half-time, and none for England.

9.06: Tremendous ball into the penalty area from Bentley (who's starting to find his range), but Rooney mis-controls and the ball dribbles just wide.

9.10: Another lovely pass from Bentley puts Rooney through running away from goal. He chips the goalkeeper but the ball lands on the roof of the net. Seconds later, he has a shot deflected wide.

9.12: Jenas shoots from the edge of the penalty area and forces an excellent save from the Swiss goalkeeper Benalia. Calm down, ladies: Peter "The Broken Weather Vane" Crouch is preparing to come on for England.

9.15: Joe Cole and Jermaine Jenas off, and Crouch and Wright-Phillips on.

9.16: GOAL - England 1-1 Switzerland: England are carved open down the middle, and Derdiyok shoots across David James and into the bottom corner. England now have Crouch on his own up front, and Rooney on the left. Crazy times. The goal actually came against the run of play - England had started the second half pretty well.

9.20: GOAL - England 2-1 Switzerland: See? I told you - crazy times. Gerrard gets away down the left hand side and crosses for Shaun wright-Phillips to score from point blank range. In the four minutes between the goals, the England crowd had started to boo the players again.

9.22: This has opened up into quite an entertaining game, now. Rooney picks up the ball about 25 yards out, performs a nice little trick to turn himself towards goal, and shoots a foot or so wide.

9.26: Another terrific pass from Bentley finds Crouch, whose volley brings a good save from Benaglio. This has been a considerably better second half performance from England, and I'm guessing that Cappello may have had one or two home truths for the players at half-time.

9.31: Two more changes for England. Wayne Bridge and Owen Hargreaves on, Gareth Barry and Ashley Cole off. More booing from sections of the crowd, for reasons that I can't quite make out. Motson is back off on one about Beckham. I think he might, you know, fancy him.

9.36: This is much more like it. I don't know whether the Swiss couldn't give a toss or what, but England are playing some very attractive passing football, and are probably worth a goal. The lustre is only being taken off it comes from the witless braying of the home crowd, who - and let me remind you, this is in a home friendly against Switzerland - are cheering every touch.

9.41: Motson's reminder is a timely one: England's next match is away to France. That'll sort the men from the boys.

9.45: More substitutes! Rooney off for Ashley Young. Motson has got Rooney picked out as his man of the match. I'd be tempted to go for Gerrard, myself. This evening's crowd is just shy of 87,000. Not bad, it has to be said, for a friendly.

9.50: GEEKS! That's what Mark Lawrenson (who writes a weekly page for the BBC Football website and is therefore just as much of a geek as me) thinks of you if you voted online for Steven Gerrard as Man Of The Match.

FULL TIME: England 2-1 Switzerland - A decent performance, particularly in the second half, when they played better football than anything that they managed over the last 18 months. David Bentley, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney played well, and what really stood out was that the players seemed to be wanting to do it for him. With ten minutes to play and the score at 2-1, Wayne Rooney was still tearing around as if it was the last minute of the World Cup final and they were a goal down. They looked as if they wanted it for the first time in quite a long time. Room, I think, for cautious optimism.

And, hey... don't forget this and this!

Tottenham Hotspur vs SC Braga

Good evening, boys and girls. For those of you without the joys of being able to watch it in your living rooms, it's Spurs vs SC Braga in the last 16 of the UEFA Cup. First up, bit of history:

Spurs: Spurs have won three European trophies. Would you believe it? One more than Arsenal, as well. They like telling you that sort of thing in one half of North London. They won the Cup Winners Cup in 1963, and this very competition in 1972 and 1984 (that's Alan Gilzean and Steve Perryman on the left, after the 1972 final against, of all people, Wolves). They've played most of their best football in the UEFA Cup this season and, with a 3-2 lead from the first leg, will start tonight as clear favourites, even though they're probably worn out by Sunday's exertions against Chelsea in the FA Cup.

SC Braga: Grrr. Braga's nickname is "Arsenal do Minho" ("Little Arsenal"). Their coach changed their club colours to match Arsenal's in the 1930s, because their coach was so impressed by Herbert Chapmans' "WM" team. He also changed the name of their youth team to "Arsenal do Braga". What a pathetic suck-up. Anyhow, they're not one of Portugal's biggest clubs - they've never won the Portuguese league, and they've won the cup once, in 1966. They're currently fourth in the league, but there are eleven points between them and third placed Sporting. In this year's UEFA Cup, they beat Chievo Verona over two legs, but only qualified through the group stages after finishing only third behind AZ Alkmaar and Sevilla.

Team News: Spurs are missing Anthony Gardner (hairline fracture to the tibula) joins Paul Robinson, Jermaine Jenas, Ledley King, Benoit Assou-Ekotto and Danny Murphy on the sick table. Robbie Keane replaces Jermaine Defoe up front. Braga have no significant injury problems - keep an eye out for Joao Pinto up front, alongside Ze Carlo and Paulo Jorge.

20.15 - Kick-Off: Fortunately, Braga aren't wearing their filthy Arsenal kit here tonight. Why not? Arsenal don't wear theirs when they go to WHL. Spurs are in all-white. It's a good look. I think that they wore all-white on the nights that they lifted the UEFA Cup in both 1972 and 1984. Maybe they think it's lucky. Pascal Chimbonda is wearing gloves. It's not that cold.

20.20: Good low cross for Robbie Keane, who gets the ball stuck under his feet and allows the chance to squirm away. It's not quite a full house, which I find somewhat surprising. Bloody Arsenal have scored at Aston Villa in the Premiership, by the way.

20.24: Spurs have got "To Dare Is To Do" printed on the balcony separating the upper and lower sections of their stand. They should, of course, have "Audere Est Facere" up there - the original Latin phrase. Lazy. Most people are capable of grasping three words of Latin.

20.27: It's all Spurs at the moment, but they're lacking the final ball. Dimitar Berbatov had half a chance, but was well offside by the time the ball got to him. Robbie Keane works himself into a good position and shoots, but the ball is charged down by the defender's arm. Should have been a penalty, but the offending arm was the wrong side of the referee, so it was kind of understandable.

20.30: Chelsea took nearly half an hour to score at Eastfields against Manchester City, and even then it was a penalty. This game, meanwhile, is still a bit flat. I can't see how Braga can conceivably win 2-0 here tonight (which they effectively have to do to go through). Rangers are 0-0 at half-time in Spain against Osasuna. As it stands, they'd be out on away goals.

20.35: Braga are giving Spurs amazing amounts of room on the flanks. They're not taking full advantage of it, though. The final ball is still poor.

20.39: GOAL: Tottenham 0-1 SC Braga - I was just about to say that Radek Cerny had finally got his first touch of the ball, too. A free-kick from Jose Amaral, and Huddlestone flicks the ball over the helpless goalkeeper for a ridiculous own goal. All square on aggregate and hardly a fair reflection on the pattern of the game, but they still have the advantage on away goals.

20.42: GOAL: Tottenham 1-1 SC Braga - When they get the final ball together, it all comes right. Robbie Keane holds the ball up and slides it through for Dimitar Berbatov, who rolls the ball into the corner of the net with the outside of his right foot. Seriously, this guy must be one of the best three or four players in the Premiership at the moment.

20.46: Yellow card for Berbatov, for reasons that aren't entirely clear. Ways to improve football, part one: want to get rid of offsides? Yellow card for anyone caught offside more than once. Actually, that wouldn't improve anything, would it?

20.49: They're turning it on a bit now. Two good chances inside a minute for Spurs, the first brilliantly saved by the Braga goalkeeper, the second charged down by a defender and the goalkeeper.

20.55: Rodriguez goes off injured, clutching his leg. Substitution for Braga - Nem comes on to replace him. No, that's not a typo.

20.57: GOAL: Tottenham 2-1 SC Braga - Berbatov again. Everything stops for a second, in the way that it does when the defence think that a striker is offside, when Keane lifts the ball over for Dimitar Berbatov who turns, chests the ball down and volleys it into the roof of the net in what looks like one movement. Magnificent finish.

Half-Time - Tottenham 2-1 SC Braga - Well, it was all about Tottenham, really. Cerny had one tame shot from outside the penalty area, and Braga scored through Tom Huddlestone's mis-judgement, but it was all about Tottenham. Or rather, it was all about the combination play of Robbie Keane and Dimitar Berbatov. He's a joy to watch - I sincerely hope that he doesn't get pulled off at half-time (though he might have a different opinion, hur hur). Back soon!

21.15: Second Half - No changes at half-time. For the record, I don't think it's necessary for them to rest anyone tonight. They've got five days break until the FA Cup match against Chelsea, and Chelsea are playing tonight as well. First chance of the half to Braga - Fernandes' shot is deflected over for a corner.

21.20: Rangers are losing in Osasuna too, by the way. An equalizer would take it into extra-time, but they'll be running out of time soon.

21.22: Nearly 3-1 there. Chimbonda heads across goal and narrowly wide. Braga need two goals to take this match into extra-time, by the way.

21.28: It's all gone off the boil, a bit. Andrade fires a fairly feeble free-kick wide of Cerny's post. I'm of the opinion that they could keep going for two or three hours tonight and Braga wouldn't score twice.

21.31: GOAL - Tottenham 2-2 SC Braga: I'm The King of Tottenham Voodoo, me. Andrade smacks the ball into the net with a free-kick from twenty yards through a gap in the Tottenham wall created by one of his fellow attackers. Only one more for extra-time now, and they've got their tails up. My word. He hit that well.

21.35: It's all Braga now. They're up for it - quicker to the ball and hungrier. Spurs bring on Jermaine Defoe for Robbie Keane.

21.40: Chelsea and Arsenal are both still winning 1-0, by the way. I'll happily wager that they're both playing exquisite attacking football, and would categorically not be merely boring their opponents into submission.

21.45: Well. Two convincing shouts for penalties in the space of five seconds for Spurs. The Braga goalkeeper flaps at a corner, Berbatov goes down under a poorly-timed challenge, and with the referee still waving away his claim, stand-in captain Michael Dawson goes down as well. The tackle on Berbatov looked like a clear foul to me.

21.48: GOAL - Tottenham 3-2 SC Braga: Well, that must wrap it up this time. Berbatov again is at the centre of things, a one-touch chip to put Steed Malbranque through, and he touches the ball in from a wide angle. 6-4 on aggregate now. Golly! Braga need two goals again - if they managed it, they'd be through on away goals.

21.53: Hossam Ghaly on for Aaron Lennon. Just resting him, I think. Huddlestone has a "goal" disallowed for handball. It's a late whistle, but a definite handball.

21.57: More interesting games than the Arsenal or Chelsea matches tonight: this one (natch), West Brom 2-3 Crystal Palace, Plymouth 2-4 Barnsley, East Stirlingshire 1-5 Arbroath, Preston Ladies 6-3 Curzon Ashton Ladies, Bristol City Reserves 9-0 Weymouth Reserves. And people still try to tell us that the Premiership is the only thing that matters. How much would you have wanted to be at any of those matches tonight?

22.00: Andrade bawoons a shot well over the crossbar from thirty yards out. Seconds later, Malbranque is booked for diving at the other end.

22.02: I'd like to just take a quick moment to say hello to the person that found themselves here through the Blogger "Next Blog" button, from a site called "Lord Of Fuck". Meanwhile, Berbatov is through on goal in injury time, but has the ball nicked off his toe. I wonder what the "Lord Of Fuck" would have made of that?

22.06: Full-Time - Tottenham Hostpur 3-2 SC Braga: A very entertaining evening's football, and Spurs are through 6-4 on aggregate. That's twenty-one goals for Spurs in their last seven matches, which is exceptional by any standards. If they keep Berbatov fit, they could win this competition. Watford next for them, in the Premiership on Saturday, then Chelsea on Monday in the FA Cup. Considering that they're missing Murphy, King and Gardner at the back, it's perhaps unsurprising that they're shipping goals at the back but, as they did on Saturday, they look dangerous every time they go forward, and the Berbatov/Keane partnership, when it's firing on all cylinders, is as good as any in the Premiership, on current form. Further proof, as if it was needed, that the Premiership is fast becoming "The League That Ate European Football".